As an African parent, what would be your first reaction to your child if they disclosed to you that they are homosexual?
First, our values don’t allow such. Then, it is considered a taboo topic to be swept under the carpet. Next, you will probably disown and chase them away. Unfortunately, the thought of support would be the last for many African parents.
Any African parent’s wish is for their children to marry and bear them grandchildren. However, when your child marries because of their sexual orientation, the pain is too much to bear. The news could give you a heart attack and probably send you to early grave.
Parents immediate dilemma is facing their extended family, friends, and neighbors. The worry is even greater when you do not know how your spouse, especially the father, would take the news. The head of the family would probably react negatively and even threaten to disown the child in question.
In today’s article, we will take you through a few common dilemmas African parents of LGBTQ children face. The whole topic is a ‘non issue’ given our highly conservative nature. Take a look.
Dilemma 1: Becoming the mediator between LGBTQ child and spouse
As expected African fathers will urge their children to get married. But what happens when LGBTQ children refuse to marry? Once the news is out, the only opportunity for the child is to marry or get married. It gets ugly when they can’t adhere to these demands and, worse still, are threatened to be cut off from family.
Mothers of such children are at a crossroads whether to support their children or side with their husbands. Most mothers take it upon themselves to resolve this standoff between husband and child. They would urge their sons to marry just for formality. They believe marrying a woman helps keep their LGBTQ affairs secret. Often, such marriages may not last.
After the divorce, rumors may start spreading about the son being a homosexual.This further widens the gap between fathers and gay sons, even as mothers want to make it “our secret.” Sons may resolve to run from the family completely. Mothers will probably continue to communicate with their sons despite the bad blood between the father, siblings and the gay son.
Dilemma 2: Accepting that the child is LGBTQ
African are yet to accept and accommodate LGBTQ children. It is advisable for parents to learn to accept their children even when they are of different orientation sexually.
While trying to come to terms with the situation, religious parent may opts to pray and fast,with the hope that religious forces will intervene and bring the children to soberiority. Sometimes, they may engage religious leaders to weigh in their input, but this may not change the situation.
Parents of LGBTQ children, may spot early signs of the children’s sexual orientation but often ignore them with the hope that they will out grow the habit. For instance, they could have been expelled from high school over suspicion of involving in homosexuality. Our culture is not ready to accept and accommodate them because it is un African. This takes a toll not only on the parent but the whole family, as the habit, if disclosed, could shame and soil their good name.
Parents are yet to accept this reality and often blame the vice on witchcraft and try to console themselves that their kids are straight. They will even try to search for different schools to change the learning environment of their children. The joy may be short-lived and the habit may recurs in the new environment.
In the end, some parents may resort to kicking them out of the house and out of sight. Another dilemma hits in: whether to keep contact, with them ever again. They are unsure whether to even accept gifts or anything from them later.
Dilemma 3: Safety concerns for themselves and loved ones
In Africa, we still believe this behavior is a result of Western decadence. As a result, African society may use violence and discrimination against these individuals. LGBTQ individuals face safety concerns in public spaces from individuals who may feel aggrieved.
Safety concerns can, however be overcome by safety planning. Parents can work with their LGBTQ children on ways to stay safe in those spaces. For example, parents can come up with safe routes or coin a code word(s) for danger. Parents should identify local spaces that are LGBTQ-friendly.
The dilemma may worsen when, a parent take different sexual orientation as morally wrong, yet you need to support your child just for their safety. Helping them sometimes means identifying people of the same orientation to offer them emotional support and safety.
Homosexuality in Kenya
Authentic statistics by Statista suggest that, as of 2020, up to 32 African countries have criminalized homosexuality. In other countries like Sudan, Mauritania, Somalia and Nigeria, the penalty for homosexuality is death.
Kenya does not practice homosexuality; hence, it is illegal. Many parents of LGBTQ children are living a secret life lest the community stigmatizes them. The Kenya High Court in 2019 refused to decriminalize sections 162 and 165. These sections render same-sex relationships illegal. And, with our community, which is yet to embrace LGBTQ decisions, such individuals may be unsafe.
Even though the LGBTQ population comprises our siblings or children, a considerable percentage of Kenyans are yet to embrace them. Even our religious beliefs throw parents of such children into moral dilemma. They are forced to choose between supporting their children and holding on to a religioun, that doesn’t support them.
Religion compares homosexuality to what led to the burning of Sodom and Gomorrah. Therefore, any parent who is in support of religion will not embrace homosexuality or LGBTQ acts whatsoever
Fundamental Rights
According to the law, everyone has their fundamental rights and should be respected. No one should use excuses of religion and culture to discriminate against the others. In the constitution of Kenya, Article 32. Clause (1) Every person has the right to freedom of religion, thought, belief and opinion.
Law experts argue that Kenya is not a religious country, so it is wrong to use the African culture or religion to discriminate against anyone. For far too long, religion and culture have been used deliberately and adversely to deny various groups and sexes of essential services like health services.
Conclusion
These are not the only dilemmas that Kenyan and African parents of LGBTQ children grapple with. There are many others such as shunning content about same sex relationships by public even when they are aware that some of their known siblings and relatives may require such.
We need to hold discussions around this topic and brainstorm. While we do not support homosexuality, we need to highlight many dilemmas that these parents face publicly. Until we do so, we can’t have better remedies for coping with this reality or even arresting homosexuality before it starts and protecting our children.
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